The Price Is Rife
Firstly to the person who is the subject of this insanely intelligent title of this particular piece of work. The gift that just keeps on giving. Katie Price never fails to prove that hit the shit rags for something. Recently, she has had to go about selling clothing. Most notably the dress she wore when she married Peter Andre. Because that went swimmingly. Now I don't know if you remember that dress, but it looked like Barbie had a terrible case of food poisoning and proceeded to vomit over a dress. You know those dolls that old ladies used to use to put over toilet roll? That's what she looked like. Twenty grand that dress coat when she had it made for what was the most cringe worthy wedding on the planet...ever. It made 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' look positively tame. The reason she is selling her awful shit, is because she is supposedly skint and after being made bankrupt she has to start paying her £3.2 million pound debt. In the coming weeks she has to show the courts all her income, including what she's making on her OnlyFans page. Surely she can't be making much on there can she? There's pictures of her getting her tits out all over the internet and genuinely, I don't know how she can be seen as alluring. There were pictures of her on a beach with a caption that read "Katie Price spotted in tiny bikini." It wasn't a tiny bikini. On anyone else it would fit perfectly, but because she has had her breasts inflated to the point she looks like a badly drawn picture of Jessica Rabbit, she could strap a tent on and it would still get lost like a thong on a hippo. No doubt some absolutely weirdo will buy the dress to use as a spunk sponge.
Now, from one freakishly orange person with big boobs to another. Donald Trump has been charged for keeping confidential papers away from the White House after his term as President of comedy relief. Including nuclear secrets in a first for any U.S President. So not only has he been proved to be quite a bit more than just a bit rapey, but he's also proved to be the thieving bastard we all thought he was. Of course his slack jawed, banjo playing, gap toothed supporters will say these papers were planted, but given that some were found in his shower, I think it's pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain that no member of the secret service would think of that. In fact, had they been very well hidden, then you could argue they were planted. But given they were in random places around his home, it's pretty safe to assume only a bumbling idiot would do that. And Trump is certainly that. Surely now he can't consider running for a second term in office can he? Even though his afore mentioned incest loving supporters would vote for him if he strangled Joe Biden in public on national television, this has to be in the rules somewhere. Anyone else would go to prison and let's face it, if Trump went to jail, even if he was really careful with his soap, he'd leave with an arsehole like a clowns pocket.
A tortoiseshell cat named Rosie has officially become the UK's oldest cat at the ripe old age of 32. Now you might think 32 isn't old, but given that it's 140 in human years, that is quite the feat. His owner said "she only really like eating and sleeping now" and I'm not surprised. The photo of her laying down would be cute, if not for the fact that she looks fucking miserable. I imagine if she could talk, she would say something along the lines of "this crazy bitch has had me from a kitten but thirty two years later she just won't let me die." And believe me, her face says exactly that. I know we don't want to let our pets go. My cat Chicco was my best friend and I miss him each and every day, but if he was that age and looked that miserable, I'd have him put to sleep. Rosie's owner might as well tell the truth. "I know she's old and doesn't move much, looks like she'd run under a bus if she could walk more than three feet in one go, but I love her and I have no friends or life to talk about." Just let her die.
Manchester City finally managed to buy the...sorry, win the Champions League. In what was probably a boring game, I don't know, I didn't watch it. Not that I couldn't, I just didn't care. This of course means that they have won the treble, leading Manchester United fans to moan that it wasn't as big an achievement as their team in 1999. Look, you've had that to lord over people for 24 years now, get over it. It's only a game. Most of them will probably jump ship to Manchester City now anyway. Like they did when other teams started winning stuff. Blaming the Glazers, but in reality it's just because they can't hear supporting a team that doesn't win the league anymore. Not that they'll admit it. The fact that most of them have never even gone past Manchester, let alone stepped foot in the city. So have you actually been to see them play? "Well, no. I've never seen them live in the flesh or been anywhere near Manchester. It's a long drive from Cornwall. But, I did see a picture of Mel Sykes wearing nothing but a Man Utd shirt in FHM once and I near on ripped my cock off." Cream of Manchester and all that.
Adele has begun renovations on her mansion, previously owned by Sylvester Stallone. While she has gutted the entire place, she has kept the Rocky statue. I'm not sure why this made anything other than one Readers Digest, but apparently it's news. "Woman Makes Changes to House Then Writes Depressing Songs About How One Of The Mirrors Was Wonky." You might think that's nonsense but you watch this space. She could get a whole album out of that and a tour.
And finally, I couldn't leave you without mentioning the shit show that is This Morning. I genuinely don't know why this whole thing is being dragged on, but apparently Holly Willoughby posted a critic message about Philip Schofield on her business Twitter in which it said something about "meaningful coincidences." I actually started to feel a bit sorry for old Phil with all these messages and public statements on the show, but I got over it. As for critic posts, well, I imagine the creators of the Telegraph critic crossword must be shitting themselves. Honestly, it's about as critic as someone leaving a floater.
Anyway, that's me for another blog. I hope you've enjoyed your little toilet reading experience. Thank you for reading. If you don't already, then please follow me on Instagram and tell all your friends. Much love.
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