Socially Awkward

I would like to begin by saying this is not a blog about people who find social situations difficult or struggle in populated areas, it is in fact a piece about the wonderful world of social media, or rather the weird shit that comes along with it. Now I am fully aware that I have written about this before, but the truth is that it just seems to be getting more and more strange. It just seems to me that people out there in the online world just don't give a shit anymore. It wasn't that long ago that people wouldn't post certain things because once something is on the interweb, it's always on the interweb. No matter how hard you try and delete it. But now, people just don't care. Now once again, I am aware of the irony of using social media to promote myself at the same time as moaning about it, but how would I reach the four people that read my blog if I didn't advertise it on the old socials. 

Anyway, where do I start? It seems that the art of chivalry has all but disappeared. With people no longer showing a person they are attacted to that they are worth their time. No longer to people speak to each other, dare I say woo each other in a romantic way. In fact  thanks to social media and the ease in which a person can contact another person, it just seems like all people think they have to do is send a picture of their privates and away you go. I genuinely don't know what goes through a blokes head when he does this. 'Well she liked a comment I made on a post. She probably wants a picture of my cock doesn't she?' No Kyle, no she doesn't. In fact nobody wants to see you little tub thumper dangling down like a skinned rabbit in a butchers window so keep it locked away in your ill fitting trousers. But it's not just blokes, oh no, women do it as well. On the bio it will say something wonderfully poetic, like "we are all here for a reason, love conquers all, the sun shines down on us like a light from heaven." Which is lovely. But then look at your message requests and she's doing things with vegetables that I'm not overly sure they were meant for or even legal. Their bio might as well just say "look, I'm here to fuck you over for money so here's a picture of my curtain burger." I normally just delete them, but sometimes if I'm bored ill reply with something along the lines of "why did you punch that lasagne before you shoved that cucumber in it?" One woman on her Instagram genuinely has a bio that says "watch my pussys cum." What does she have two? Either that or she's doing some really nasty and probably illegal stuff with her cats. What I don't get is that they take pictures covering their face, but will quite happy send you a picture of their minge. 

But it's not just dick pics and fanny snaps that seem to fill your inbox with unwanted messages. There are literally thousands of scammers out there, all trying different things to get you to unwittingly hand over your personal details. I was asked the other day if I wanted to join the Illuminati. Now I don't know how they normally recruit people, but I don't think hopping into someone's DM's and offering them $250k is their usual path. And even if it is, surely they would try to somehow cover their face and not use a public profile. A profile of a bloke with pictures of him and his kids at a family bbq. People seem quite happy to advertise "doctor" who have cured them of all manner of ailments. Herpes, gonorrhoea, syphilis, you name it, Dr. Victor Abdoguengo is your mam. Now again, surely if you have been unlucky enough to pop your cock in a place that has caused it to begin rotting away like a zombies finger, would you really advertise that publicly? For the entire world to see? I just comment with something like "dude I know, I had AIDS once, it was a killer." Why are they always witch doctors? All that money raised by charities across the world and it turns out, all people had to do was see this bloke, learn a few chants and bobs your uncle, no more knob rot. Then there are the ones that call themselves Mumma Gloria, who has apparently won the lottery and wants to give you several million just to be their friend or the people who say they work for Bitcoin and have picked you as their winner in a competition, with a prize of $5000 and all you have to do is give them your details and they'll cash you up. Well shit, take my bank details, card number and security code, mother's maiden name and the name of my first pet and sign me the fuck up Jacinda. Anyone starting a message with "Hello dear" isn't the voluptuous, amazonian beauty she claims to be. I'm afraid "she" is a bloke sat in his pants on a crusty bed in front of a computer screen and he's not going to shower you with friendship and affection, he's going to dick you over for as much money as he possibly can. And anything that starts with "this is not a scam" is most definitely a scam. 

And let's not forget the Facebook experts. If ever you have a medical ailment, then they're on hand with an absolute wealth of knowledge. I don't know why the government spent so much on researching a vaccine for Covid when they could have just asked Karen from Suffolk what she thought. These are the people who start a comment with "as a top fan" like that's actually meant to mean something. Being a top fan doesn't qualify you to give medical advice on anything. It's like being a Doctor of music. They're not doctors. Imagine being on a plane and someone shouts "is there a doctor on the plane" because a passenger is having a heart attack and up stands a doctor of music. They can't actually do anything to help except offer a soothing musical choice for that person to listen to as they drift into death. When Covid kicked off I was on Facebook and a woman was doing a live stream, in which she was talking about the pandemic, saying "as a holistic practitioner myself, I am seeing a real connection between Coronavirus and childhood obesity." You mean fat kids? There was and is no connection between Covid and obesity of any kind. The only connection were the people who after being in lockdown blamed that for the fact they had got fat. Listen, having to be surgically removed from the fridge because you had fuck all else to do isn't the fault of the virus. You do your shopping, so if you ingested your own bodyweight in chocolate and cake, that's on you. As for the crazy bitch making a connection that just isn't there I would like to say this. Buying a pack of tarot cards and some incense doesn't make you a practioner of anything. 

As for the people who post "I'm done with social media, thinking of deleting my account" in the hope hundreds of people will wade in telling them to stay, it won't be the same without them or asking them if they're OK, just fuck off. We all know they're not going to delete their account, just carry on putting angry faces on or status updates saying how angry they are right now with no explanation, reply to comments with "inbox me babes." No, no. You want to be a dick and fish for attention tell us why you're so angry, because we've already worked out your baby daddy, that's child's father for anyone who isn't a twat, has upset you because he's got a new girlfriend. 

Anyway, I feel better for venting. Sharing is caring and all that. Please give me a follow on Instagram. If anyone is offended by what I've written, well stop being one of the arseholes I've written about. Much love, you bunch of beautiful bastards you.